Football: Arsenal 0-3 Chelsea

In the words of C. Montgomery Burns of The Simpsons, “Please Sir, I can’t bear another thrashing.”

Today Arsenal lost at home to Chelsea by a three goal margin for the second time in successive seasons. I was hopeful that Arsene’s young guns would avoid another pummeling from the boys from the bridge but it wasn’t to be. Unfortunately Carlo Ancelotti’s Chelsea highlighted the rather large gap in class that currently separates the two teams – and it hurts to say that.

Arsenal were defensively naïve but the glaring deficiency in their team was a distinct lack of steel. This has so often been the downfall of Wenger’s recent teams but more troubling is the fact that Arsenal as a squad seem to get smaller year by year. In 2004 the side had players like Campbell, Vieira, Henry and Gilberto – all of whom had the physical presence to cope with the premiership. Now in their place are players with great talent but not enough brawn to battle on the same pitch as a robust and uncompromising side like Chelsea.

Luck is required to win the league in this country, make no mistake about it. Arsenal being deprived of their three physically imposing players in Van Persie, Bendtner and Abou Diaby made Chelsea’s job a whole lot easier. But for Arsenal’s main mode of attack to comprise of crosses into the box without these players seemed a rather strange strategic decision. Subsequently the better side ran out deserving winners today and truly do look like the champions elect even at this early stage of the season.

I feel for Arsene Wenger. He deserves success because he is a visionary in a world that doesn’t quite understand him. He develops players when others don’t and has a yearning to make football the art it can be, on a budget that would be laughed out of town by any other top manager. I also feel for Cesc Fabregas. He is Arsene’s most striking example of a player blossoming under his stewardship. He is well spoken and gives everything he has as captain of Arsenal. I hate to see him and his manager continually let down on days when it really matters. Today, unfortunately, was one of those days.

Movie Review: Up (2009)

We already know that Pixar is in a league of its own when it comes to computer animated movies. Dreamworks and others may make entertaining films but they lack the depth that seemingly only Pixar and Walt Disney can provide. Up is one of Pixar’s most striking examples of this and what results is a film of quiet beauty that manages to placate every strata of audience in equal measure.

What has become par for the course is Pixar raising the bar in animation and then raises it again. Wall-E was a fine example of a studio with the imagination and confidence to challenge conventional movies for kids; the opening half hour was something to behold. Up has a similar opening sequence in which we as an audience witness a miscarriage and the death of our protaganist’s wife. Their marriage and her life was clearly unfulfilled as they had wanted it to be and following a shocking blow to the head of a repossession agent (blood and all), the aged Carl Freidreksen (Christopher Plummer) decides to do the things his wife wanted to do, namely travel to Paradise Falls in South America. When his house is due to be repossessed, the now reclusive Carl decides to fit hundreds of balloons to his property for the purpose of adventurously making it airborne. What he hadn’t envisioned was that a young wilderness explorer by the name of Russel (Jordan Nagai) would be embarking on this trip with him too. What follows is a lot of fun that I won’t spoil by revealing here.

The issues presented in Up do not represent conventional fare for a young audience and an elderly protagonist is certainly far from ordinary in this genre. Pixar nevertheless handles the material with such sensitivity as to keep children safe at all times while taking them through dramas they may not have seen before. Pete Docter who directed this movie certainly had the experience having directed Monsters Inc, written Toy Story and co-written on Wall-E. Unsurprisingly with this track record, he has managed to produce here is a film that is humorous and touching at the same time.

What I will say is that 3D is an unnecessary afterthought in the case of Up. It is magical and probably even better in 2D as there is more emphasis on the bright colour palette showcased by Pixar. Disney’s Bolt had sequences that were made with 3D in mind with chases and objects heading towards the audience etc. This movie doesn’t feel made for 3D in the same way.

What is still truly amazing about Pixar is that they don’t ever feel the need to take the easy route. They don’t need to bombard their younger audience with chase after chase and mindless action just to keep their attention. Pixar does it differently and demonstrates an almost literary depth that simply can’t be matched by any other animation studio in the world right now.

GRADE: A

Can Arsenal challenge for honours without Robin Van Persie?

The bombshell that dropped over Ashburton Grove this morning has probably led some Arsenal fans to write off the league campaign of 2009-10. While this is a tad melodramatic, the fact remains that an Arsenal side bereft of the style, presence and link-up play of Robin Van Persie is unquestionably weaker than one with him as the spearhead.

Robin’s hugely successful transition to the centre forward role in a 4-3-3 this season has surprised a few people, notably those who originally questioned Arsene on the matter. He was well on the way to becoming one of the world’s most complete strikers – but of course when the Dutchman is concerned there is always an injury waiting to stop him from reaching that highest level where he deserves to be.

What makes matters worse for Wenger is that his options to replace Robin are rather limited. Nicklas Bendtner is the only feasible candidate as he is now Arsenal’s only 6ft+ forward. He is penciled in for a return at the start of December, but can the young Dane really shoulder the responsibility at CF for the remainder of the season? I suspect that Arsene will move again for Bordeaux’s Moroccan striker Marouane Chamakh in January. But if the gunners are out of the race by then, will there be any point?

I suppose the key observation here is that what Robin Van Persie can give Arsenal cannot be replaced by any player on the market right now. But as long as the CF in this side can hold the ball up, work extremely hard and can bring his team mates into play, the boys from the emirates might be ok.

It would be very easy to side with the doom mongers on the issue of Van Persie’s injury; after all, would United have won the title for the last couple of years without Ronaldo? The evidence does indeed suggest that teams stripped of their best players don’t win trophies. But it would be far better to get behind this team and trust in the array of attacking talent that Arsene Wenger has assembled. There are some outstanding players in this squad and it just means that now is the time for them to show everyone what they’re made of.

Movie Review: The Ring 2 (2005)

The Ring Two (2005)

I wasn’t a huge fan of the original Ring, but when drawing comparison to its inept sequel, the first instalment of this franchise is a Ferrari to its younger sibling’s Skoda – that has been painted in bile yellow. Unfortunately, bad films sell, and this will no doubt shift tickets by the bucket-load based on the reputation of the first film. The insulting thing is that the film never even tries to make sense or give you anything remotely interesting or new to watch. It just walks around with the attitude that “I’m rubbish, and I don’t care that I’m rubbish.” This is something that I cannot forgive.

While the director of the Hollywood feature The Ring was no longer available for this sequel, the producers enlisted a replacement in the shape of Hideo Nakata, who directed the Japanese films on which the Hollywood version was based. These were of course Ringu, and Ringu 2.

It’s worth mentioning that while The Ring was based on Ringu, this sequel was not based on its Japanese counterpart. This may be one of the reasons why this installment is so dismal. A lot of Hollywood screenplay writers have brains the size of a grain of sand, and generally manage to botch things up when they are just copying Japanese screenplays, so letting them come up with their own story was always going to be a bad idea.
Despite directing the original Japanese films, Nakata can’t save this feature from being a shimmering fountain of awfulness. I strongly suspect that he was simply paid an exorbitant amount of money and given no creative licence at all. This is merely an assumption of course.

Regarding the plot, it helps a lot to have seen the first film but it’s certainly not necessary. The film opens with a teenage boy attempting to get a girl to watch “the video”. That’s right; the one that you must show to someone within a week or…you will die. Makes perfect sense. Unbeknownst to the boy, the girl closes her eyes and doesn’t watch, and therefore the boy dies, with his face turning green and his teeth falling out. Rachel (Naomi Watts) sees what has happened and knows it’s all a result of the tape. (At the end of the last film she made a copy to save herself and her son Aidan, as you do.)
Rachel and Aidan (Dorfman) have moved house since the first film, and have “started over” to use useless American terminology. Of course, why they have to move to a big creepy house when it’s just the two of them is anyone’s guess.
The screenwriters now decide to abandon the tape gimmick and go with the tried and tested ‘possessed child’ story. Aidan (David Dorfman) is now possessed by Samara, the creepy little girl who was drowned down a well by her mother, the girl who comes out of the TV to kill you. The rest of the film involves Rachel trying to save her son, and so needs to once again investigate the dead girls’ past.

If it sounds like it’s going over old ground, that’s because it is. The writers know that people will watch anything, and have decided that they can just do the same thing again and get away with it. Even the climactic scene is just a watered down version of the one in The Ring. There really is no difference other than it takes Rachel slightly less time to get out of the well this time. This film either tries something new which makes no sense, or remakes scenes from the first film.

Now, more negative. This is a film and plot with more holes than a Swiss Emmental cheese. First of all, the change of rule for the video curse needs to be addressed. Now you don’t die within seven days if you can get someone else to watch it in that time. Of course the central characters acknowledge this as if it was always like this.
Second, the tape is just done away with and Samara mysteriously realises that she can just possess Aidan. This girl sure is smart. She didn’t try that in the first place, but….
Third, after Aidan is in the hospital bed and the nurse commits “suicide”, how does he manage to get home? He is eight years old!
Fourth, the police don’t seem to catch up with Rachel, despite all the dead bodies linked to her son, how strange. Let’s just ignore all the corpses around us folks.

The most important objective a horror movie must fulfil is the incitement of fear. Indeed, despite all its many flaws, had it scared the audience in any way, it may have been forgiven. But there is merely the odd obligatory jump here and there, no more. The original Ring at least had some decent suspense and an intriguing plot of sorts, here it all seems stale and therefore loses any juice it might have had in the first outing. Added to this lack of fear is the endless clichés and pant-itchingly bad dialogue. They’ve stolen an entire scene from The Omen, there’s a completely ridiculous search for a key under rocks, and they’ve thrown a child’s musical box in the basement – with no point to the story at all!

Teeny boppers will no doubt love it, but that’s because they will love any horror film unconditionally because they think they’re seeing things they shouldn’t be allowed to see.

I’ve concluded that Hideo Nakata should have stayed at home, and this film should be made an example of. An example of just what the lovely people in Hollywood will do for money. No scares, no worthwhile story, just a cash-in of the most sadistic nature.

GRADE: D

Movie Review: Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix (2007)

Well it’s official. It appears Mrs Rowling has finally run out of ideas; not that they were particularly groundbreaking to begin with. Don’t mistake a negative commentary as evidence of a bias against the series; I quite enjoyed the previous two offerings. I wish I could say the same for the fifth instalment, but in Order if the Phoenix we are presented with very little in terms of new entertainment, plot or character development. Length is not a substitute for quality, and here we have a film that feels like bits and bobs of information have been pasted together in one over-long and self indulgent motion picture.

As is to be expected, the cast of the previous films return for another year at Hogwarts. Daniel Radcliffe returns as the all-too-perfect Harry, Emma Watson as the brains of this amateur Nancy Drew crew and the token in-between man, Ron Weasly, is once again played by Rupert Grint. The Order of the Phoenix itself seems more of a panic-induced last minute title than anything else, the time given to anything remotely resembling the Order or its significance must cover all of two and a half minutes of screen time. Although the previous books and films had some sort of central event to revolve around, this template does not return for this instalment. In fact, we find out two or three nuggets of important information and that pretty much sums up the entire film.

The film begins with everyone at Hogwarts and the ministry of magic believing that Harry is a liar, that he did not see “he who cannot be named.” For a start this seems inexplicable considering Harry’s status and perfect record in absolutely everything. The fact that supposedly intelligent adult wizards and witches are consumed with unqualified denial also adds fuel to the fire that says that Rowling really didn’t have a lot to say here. In short, Harry trains up the students in the art of battle, has a couple of lessons, has a brief rendezvous with Voldemort at the end and learns of a prophecy that he or Voldemort must die. Harry also has his first kiss, but this is his only interaction with Cho in the whole film, they say no more than two or three words to each other.

The acting is at a decent standard here, with the star turn undoubtedly being attributed to Emelda Staunton as the meddling Delores Umbridge. As usual, the adults out-act the youths in every scene, but it isn’t as noticeable as the first two films. Emma Watson has finally played down her seemingly incessant over-acting with a far more balanced performance here, after all this time the jury is still out on Radcliffe, (although his character is remarkably one-dimensional) while Rupert Grint remains the most consistent with his sit-on-the fence style. As usual the seasoned pros such as Alan Rickman and Michael Gambon deliver the performances expected of veterans, despite the unmistakably mundane dialogue that has come to characterise the films.

There is some good in this however. The ministry taking over the school is an intriguing development and I particularly enjoyed the enforced curriculum changes, making magic theory-based. This is a relevant parallel to draw when one considers the similar changes in the educational system in the UK since 1997. Delores Umbridge is a delightfully conniving character, if somewhat unoriginal. But originality is not why we watch the series, surely, or else we would be irritated by the almost genetic similarities of Tolkien’s Gandalf and Rowling’s Dumbledore.

The main problem with this film is that there is no real sustained structure; it is essentially a bridging film. After two and a half more hours, the story has hardly advanced. I’m sure no-one despises Rowling for milking the cash cow, but stretching a battle with Voldemort over three and half books/films is bordering on tedium. By fluke, genuinely interesting story and cut-throat marketing, the Harry Potter franchise has become a phenomenon. But this offering serves as a reminder that beneath all the hype, the formula is becoming extremely repetitive and the characters somewhat ordinary. It is a shame considering the adventurous feel of the last two pictures, but unfortunately here we have an instalment (both cinematically and in literary terms) that only exists because of the brightly lit dollar signs that come with it.

GRADE: C

Album Review: Madonna – Hard Candy (2008)

There is a general consensus that the time for frolicking in underwear and leotards for Miss Madonna Louise Ciccone has long since passed her by. Yet still she insists on videos and photo shoots that are likely to terrify her children in years to come. Admittedly, she still looks remarkably good for her age but as soon as people start telling you this, it is probably time to put the thongs away.

Lest we forget, it is worth noting that Madonna’s primary source of business is supposed to be her music. Her latest offering, Hard Candy, is an upbeat and fun-filled bubble of a ‘pop/rnb/hip-hop/whatever happens to be in vogue – no pun intended’ album. While it panders shamelessly to a mainstream audience with all the subtlety of one of those men wearing cardboard Pizza Hut adverts in Oxford Street, the album is easy enough on the ear and represents a decent enough addition to Madge’s behemoth of a discography.

Yes, the arrangements feel more formulaic than an episode of Scooby Doo and yes the collaborations involve bling laden rap acts serving as introducers to a highly lucrative market. And indeed, it all feels a little like production by numbers and as contrived as the Beckham-Cruise celebrity friendship, but surely this sort of music should be about having a good time rather than lyrical musings and philosophical interludes? If you want to get down and boogie or have some tracks blaring out of your car speakers with your windows down on one of the two days there will be sun this year, you could do worse than Hard Candy. Of course I won’t be doing that because I’d be eaten alive.

Don’t even let the fact that the album’s first single is more than a little reminiscent of an infamous So Solid Crew track. And don’t even be put off by Timbaland doing his customary big man rapper shtick of saying absolutely nothing of any tangible relevance (usually four or five words, repeat as necessary) in brief cameo appearances designed to remind you that you’re hearing ‘urban’ music here and that makes it cool by definition. From the understated gem of an appearance on Timberlake’s Cry Me A River that gave us ‘the damage is done so I’ll guess I’ll be leaving’, we now get the carefully chosen ‘I’m out of time and all I got is four minutes’, interspersed with the occasional ‘hey’. The guy would be truly outstanding on Twitter.

We could nit-pick and dare to actually ask why Madonna and co only have four minutes to do whatever it is they are doing/have to do, or perhaps we could grow tiresome of this idea being sold to us by Kanye and Madge that the beat is indeed going on, and on, and on. We could even suggest that the album is totally uninspired and lacks personality. Then we could add yet more fuel to this critical fire by noting that Madonna used to innovate and now has decided that it is far easier to make mass produced ‘down with the kids’ records with no substance than it is to strive for artistic acclaim. But to do any of the above is to probably miss the point. Bland and poorly written some of the songs may be, this album is about having some fun; there isn’t enough of it in the music industry these days. This is as close as the Material Girl gets to a ‘popcorn’ album so we can probably allow her the indulgence this time. But when the time comes for her next outing, I wouldn’t think twice about advising the queen of pop that she might want to at least think about keeping her clothes on.

GRADE: B-

Introduction

This blog will be based on a variety of subjects from sport to film and television – the title has connotations with football but I’m not going to let it dictate the blog’s content completely.  To begin with, I’ll be posting archived articles and reviews.  Hope you enjoy them and feel free to disagree!