Album Review: Madonna – Hard Candy (2008)

There is a general consensus that the time for frolicking in underwear and leotards for Miss Madonna Louise Ciccone has long since passed her by. Yet still she insists on videos and photo shoots that are likely to terrify her children in years to come. Admittedly, she still looks remarkably good for her age but as soon as people start telling you this, it is probably time to put the thongs away.

Lest we forget, it is worth noting that Madonna’s primary source of business is supposed to be her music. Her latest offering, Hard Candy, is an upbeat and fun-filled bubble of a ‘pop/rnb/hip-hop/whatever happens to be in vogue – no pun intended’ album. While it panders shamelessly to a mainstream audience with all the subtlety of one of those men wearing cardboard Pizza Hut adverts in Oxford Street, the album is easy enough on the ear and represents a decent enough addition to Madge’s behemoth of a discography.

Yes, the arrangements feel more formulaic than an episode of Scooby Doo and yes the collaborations involve bling laden rap acts serving as introducers to a highly lucrative market. And indeed, it all feels a little like production by numbers and as contrived as the Beckham-Cruise celebrity friendship, but surely this sort of music should be about having a good time rather than lyrical musings and philosophical interludes? If you want to get down and boogie or have some tracks blaring out of your car speakers with your windows down on one of the two days there will be sun this year, you could do worse than Hard Candy. Of course I won’t be doing that because I’d be eaten alive.

Don’t even let the fact that the album’s first single is more than a little reminiscent of an infamous So Solid Crew track. And don’t even be put off by Timbaland doing his customary big man rapper shtick of saying absolutely nothing of any tangible relevance (usually four or five words, repeat as necessary) in brief cameo appearances designed to remind you that you’re hearing ‘urban’ music here and that makes it cool by definition. From the understated gem of an appearance on Timberlake’s Cry Me A River that gave us ‘the damage is done so I’ll guess I’ll be leaving’, we now get the carefully chosen ‘I’m out of time and all I got is four minutes’, interspersed with the occasional ‘hey’. The guy would be truly outstanding on Twitter.

We could nit-pick and dare to actually ask why Madonna and co only have four minutes to do whatever it is they are doing/have to do, or perhaps we could grow tiresome of this idea being sold to us by Kanye and Madge that the beat is indeed going on, and on, and on. We could even suggest that the album is totally uninspired and lacks personality. Then we could add yet more fuel to this critical fire by noting that Madonna used to innovate and now has decided that it is far easier to make mass produced ‘down with the kids’ records with no substance than it is to strive for artistic acclaim. But to do any of the above is to probably miss the point. Bland and poorly written some of the songs may be, this album is about having some fun; there isn’t enough of it in the music industry these days. This is as close as the Material Girl gets to a ‘popcorn’ album so we can probably allow her the indulgence this time. But when the time comes for her next outing, I wouldn’t think twice about advising the queen of pop that she might want to at least think about keeping her clothes on.

GRADE: B-